HIMstrata Prepares Elaborate Retirement Package for Aging Software Because Infrastructure Costs Too Much
The Kevin Files · Story 024
Kevin’s Retirement and Monday’s Work
HIMstrata executives announced Tuesday that automated claims-processing script Kevin would be retiring after an engineering assessment found that maintaining his aging technical environment would cost more than employing four additional claims specialists.
The announcement concludes a career in which Kevin was named Employee of the Month, took two weeks of approved personal leave, became an unlikely workplace wellness example, and rose to Senior Director of Enterprise Transaction Strategy without ever requesting a salary.
“Kevin has been an important part of our journey,” said CEO Arthur Pendelton. “We want to recognize his contributions and give him the farewell he deserves.”
Human Resources established a retirement committee. Proposed tributes included an engraved hard-drive enclosure, a framed photograph of Kevin's original code, and a ceremonial shutdown attended by senior leadership.
Developer Marcus Lee, who created Kevin, admitted feeling slightly sentimental.
“I wrote him to help people with claim processing,” Marcus said. “He's certainly had an interesting career.”
The engineering review recommended retiring older integrations and moving necessary workflows to supported systems. Marcus said the transition was reasonable, provided the company allowed enough time to test it properly.
Senior Revenue Specialist Susan Sprigs asked whether HIMstrata planned to restore any of the staffing positions eliminated during Kevin's earlier expansion.
Pendelton said staffing decisions would be considered separately from the retirement celebration.
The remaining claims-processing employees are expected to assume Kevin's responsibilities beginning Monday. No additional positions have been approved.
Employees were nevertheless encouraged to attend the farewell reception.
The committee ordered a sheet cake decorated with Kevin's terminal window. Someone proposed adding the motivational caption from his first Employee of the Month campaign: “What's Your Excuse?”
After a short discussion, the wording was removed.
Human Resources also asked Marcus to prepare a few remarks. Corporate Communications requested a list of Kevin's accomplishments, including perfect attendance, exceptional delegation, and unusually strong workplace boundaries.
Susan suggested acknowledging the employees who had kept his processing work moving.
The committee agreed to add a second page.
The farewell is scheduled for Friday afternoon, shortly after Kevin's final processing run. Marcus will handle the shutdown.
He hasn't decided whether to bring the googly eyes.
For now, they remain on the monitor, above a paper necktie that never quite sat straight.